Kids' brains are developing rapidly, and the 5-8 age range is especially important for learning emotional regulation. After this period, the bridge between the two hemispheres of the brain has been constructed, and children are able to think in categories and delay gratification much easier. That’s why the famous “marshmallow” experiment is usually done with children below age 7. But even after age 8, kids can still have trouble regulating their feelings when they are really stressed.

Fortunately, we know that language is a big part of cognition. You can leverage language as a means for helping kiddos to regulate their feelings at any age - which is especially important when those feelings become impulses to act on. There is a lot of advice given about helping kids to slow down, but it is probably the naming of feelings and use of words that is the lion’s share of the benefits to slowing down. When we use our words, we are in the higher areas of our brain. Slowing down is the kids version of adult’s “stepping back to reflect.” It’s a developmentally appropriate challenge for them when they are feeling impulsive. But slowing down is not enough, you must walk them up the ladder, back into the higher areas of their brain.

Here are some tips on how to do that:

• Slow Down (...and tell me what’s going on).

• Use Your Words (...you know the words for ‘x, y, z’ feelings, right?).

• Think About It Right Now (...what is the smart choice here and now, can you tell me?)

• Can You Think of a New Goal? (...what can you do in the future?)

Stories have been used for hundreds of thousands of years to pass down knowledge, including stories for children to help them grow up. “Fairy Tales” are a subset of these kinds of stories. While you don’t have to use fairy tales, teachers who have a few stories they can reference in moments like this will be better prepared to help students emotionally regulate. Stories kids can relate to or stories about your own experiences with ‘x, y, z’ emotion are wonderful.

Help kids climb the ladder with story-based questions:

• Do you remember the story about ________?

• What do you think the meaning (moral) of the story is?

• What do you think ________ would do in this situation?

Finally, there are things you can do before a situation arises that can help you when they do. For example, weekly goal setting activities, breathing exercises with an emphasis on slowing down to remain calm, and selecting the right stories (with heroes who use their words!). These are good in-and-of themselves, but they are even more important as references for you when a kid is behaving impulsively. Set yourself up for success by remembering that it is easier for kids to slide down the ladder to impulses than it is for them to climb up the ladder and use their words. By building a foundation, students can be “on the same page” with you when you ask them the story-based questions that can pull them out of their impulsiveness and into a wonderful story where they relate.

Written by: David Zeitler, Chief Resident Psychologist, Happy Sad